I work in home health and the past few weeks I’ve noticed this unfortunate trend in many of the patients I see. There seems to be an excessive amount of unchanneled and unresolved anger. I have a few theories on this but first, I’d like to explain further. There are little instances where anger rears its ugly head when something benign is happening or said. I can think of two patients in particular. It caught me off guard at first then I thought…”No, this makes sense. Think of where they are and why they might be feeling that way.” One was talking about his condition and he was multitasking and trying to put money into a clip and the clip broke. He immediately got angry and cursed and threw it on the bed. He was huffing and you could feel the tension. The other time was when I was greeted at the door by the patient and when I opened it he exclaimed “Grab the door!” as the wind tried to rip it from my had. I had a firm grip on it but thought “Why was he yelling?” The rest of the session was marked with more anger, with him getting frustrated with his oxygen line, doctors, his experience with the hospital, etc.
So it became clear to me. These people are angry at their circumstances. They are likely bitter and resentful. Can you blame them? The one patient described has neuropathy in his feet so walking is difficult and he feels off balance, complicated by his COPD so he has trouble breathing. Then he told me he has liver disease, which I’m sure just gives him a overall feeling of being ill. The other patient has similar breathing issues, had fallen out of bed previously, resulting in losing his left eye, and has gout in his hands. Surely, people have reason to be angry and think that life has dealt them an unfair hand. And if they really think about it, things get worse. Many of the conditions are permanent, leading to a progressively and exponentially worse state of being. Not a pretty sight. So yes, be angry! At least that is something I can control. If I’m angry then I can justify my suffering because I can explain the self-pity.
So to me, that’s what it comes down to: control. A co-worker had insight for me; that many of these folks are so out of control with their lives, from their health to their living situation, their relationships (and often, sadly, the lack thereof) their loss of independence. The list goes on. So what do they do? Grasp at any opportunity to hang on to any control they may have left, real or otherwise. Sometimes that is manipulating those around them. More commonly, since our emotions are one of the things we can control, people will gravitate towards that. An easy one is anger, feeling that we are wronged and by being angry we can say “See! Do you see what is happening to me?!”
This can be normal and acceptable in the short term. However, I believe much of the time it goes unchecked and when it becomes a pattern and a habit, that’s where trouble lurks. We let the emotion control us, having less and less patience for unexpected changes in circumstances and reverting back to the habit to reinforce the behavior. Something happens TO me, I don’t like it, I have self-pity, I feel angry, I’m justified, I feel better. Instead of asking why me, we should be asking why. What is the lesson, contemplating and looking for an opportunity instead of a reaction. What is God trying to teach me? What purpose is He calling me to be or to do?
When there is an angry moment, stopping and taking a breath, although cliche, is helpful. It helps us stay present and gives us a moment to reflect on why we may be feeling and reacting the way we are. It gives us the chance to bring God in and ask for grace. “God, give me grace. Thank You for this opportunity. Thank You for Your grace.” It is impossible to feel anger and gratitude simultaneously. Try it for yourself.
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